Fun with Haikus

Your kids are loud brats
They drive me fucking insane
Thank God for vodka

Pigeons are nasty
Always shitting on my car
Where’s my BB gun?

I really love booze
But beer goggles are a bitch
Who the hell is Frank?

Apple products suck
The updates screw up my phone
Fucking piece of crap

Zombies creep me out
Stinking flesh and googly eyes
Oops that’s my neighbor

Hipster men are freaks
Tight red pants and suspenders
You look like a girl

 

How to be a Convincing Hoochimama.

Beware of fowl mouthed hoochimamas that are plaguing Montreal night clubs,  gyms and public transit stations. Although their actual value to society is not yet known, many have surmised that their common goals include dressing like sluts, starting fights with complete strangers and generally annoying the shit out of anyone who comes within a twenty foot range. Like a dreaded aunt infestation, you have absolutely no idea where they came from or how to get rid of them.

I had an opportunity to watch a pack of hoochies in the subway – which also happens to be their natural breeding grounds, and I couldn’t help but wonder since when did being rude, slutty and stupid become cool? As it turns out, hoochies are the result of an evolution process that’s been taking place over time. I think this process can be described as follows.

It began in the 90’s when respectable grunge girls started adopting trashy trends by people who made bad music and constantly “looked” like strung out crack whores during public appearances.

Today, the godmothers of modern day Hoochiemamas have demonstrated that one must devolve evolve or risk being cast out into extinction or worse, obscurity. Here is indisputable proof:

Figure A: Scientists are baffled that the species has managed to survive despite having become extremely dumb over time. One could compare their intellect to that of a sewer rat.

Figure B: One can identify a hoochiemama by their incredibly dark fake tan. I can only speculate that the chemicals of such tans may have hindered brain development over time…

For some of you, it is your goal in life to be a valued member of this demographic because there is a certain appeal to not giving a fuck if you’re not a productive member of society, being smart or having any self respect. So with that in mind Tenaciousrosalie is here to help. After much observation and research, mainly reading the urban dictionary and eavesdropping conversations I hear on the subway, these are some notable characteristics that will help you achieve your goal of looking and acting like a convincing hoochimama. Good Luck!

Look the part:

• Wear clothes that are three sizes too small because nothing says cheap slut like a stretched out faded nylon dress that showcases your muffin top. Because a real man appreciates a woman with roles.
• Wear large fake gold hoop earnings and a baseball cap of a team you have no clue about.
• To create that smeared hungover look, put your makeup on before you go to sleep. For best results have a drink or two before you begin.
• Start smoking cigarettes young because a cigarette hanging out of your mouth is your best accessory. Plus, yellow teeth, looking ten years older than you actually are and smelling like an ashtray are really appealing to men. And it gives you a perfectly good reason to spit indoors in public places.
• Be sure to pluck out your eyebrows and draw in new ones with a dark black pencil. Classy women don’t need eyebrows and this will allow you to keep up the persona of being cheap and fake.
• Wear skirts that are way too short so that when you bend over, the whole world will get to see your coochie.
• When wearing jeans, its important that your thong strap is showing. Leave nothing to the imagination because the man you’re trying to attract is too stupid to know you want him unless you make it painfully obvious.

Remember to talk the talk: This means being as rude and vulgar as possible.

• During friendly conversations, refers to your girlfriends as bitch and refer to yourself as bitch in the third person. Example:

Moesha: Hey bitch! Whatcha up to later?

Crystal: This bitch is goin’ to the mall. 

• When being approached by strangers, make sure to entice them with your wit, charm and good vocabulary. Just kidding. No one approaches a hooch in broad daylight!

In the subway, public buses and public transit waiting areas: 

• Be as rude and obnoxious as possible to transit workers and passengers. You want to be noticed and swearing, spitting and smoking in banned areas are a great way to get attention.
• On the bus, always talk as loud as possible, especially if the topic includes your sexual escapades,  that stupid bitch who tried to steal your man or the nail polish you stole from the drugstore yesterday. Because I can guarantee that everyone is interested about hearing how you “gave Amir a blowjob last night in your parents basement after that whore Jennifer tried to steal him away from you.”
• Remember, a great way to start your night out is to have a few drinks in public transit waiting area. Just cover your bottle with a brown paper bag and no one will be the wiser. Besides, everyone thinks your drunken antics are hilarious and throwing (and possibly breaking) your empty bottles on the ground and tracks creates much needed janitorial jobs. That’s a good thing.

When at the club…

• Enter like you own the place and act like you’re the hottest girl in the world. Expect every guy to buy you drinks and if he doesn’t, he’s nothing but a cheap ass mother fucker and you should tell him to go fornicate himself.
• Remember it’s not dancing unless it looks like you’re getting jiggy with it on the dance floor. Extra points if you make it a menage a trois and free drinks if you make it lesbonic.
• Drink shooters and get so drunk that you have to go out back to the familiar ally way to puke your guts out. Be sure to remember where you puke because when you return after last call to give some random dude a hand job, stepping in it may kill the romantic vibe you’ve worked so hard to create.
• Finally, if some dumb girl looks at you the wrong way, be sure to create an epic scene by cussing her out, pulling her hair and knocking her lights out. That will teach her the valuable lesson of keeping her eyes to herself while she’s navigating through crowded public places.

So that’s it. If you follow these steps you will be well on your way to the free clinic being the hoochiest woman hanging out in the subway station after hours! You’re welcome!

Farewell my Tasty Friends.

Don’t you hate it when  you step onto a  scale after a long winter of binge drinking and  midnight snacking, only to discover that you’ve acquired a few extra unflattering pounds? I recently made this nasty discovery and decided it was time to trade in my beloved burgers and poutines for salads,  or else suffer the dire long term consequences…A lifetime of cottage cheese ass , beer gut rut and a closet full of plus sized moomoos and mommy jeans from the bargain bins at Walmart.

At that moment, I realized that it’s true what they say: a  moment on the lips means a lifetime on the hips when it comes to junk food. I knew then it was time to say goodbye to some tasty friends and start adopting  some better eating habits. So here goes:

Goodbye Mint chocolate chip ice cream. I will never forget your amazing combination of minty ice cream and crunchy chocolate chips . For some reason, in every scoop there was always the perfect proportion of chocolate chips to ice cream even when it didn’t really look like it. You were so delicious that it didn’t  matter if you were served in a cone or a bowl, for your yummyness holds no boundaries. Thanks for the memories.

Aurevoire poutine. I will miss this epic conglomerate of french fries drenched in thick, greasy gravy and smothered with cheese. Who ever came up with this tasty dish was a full on genius, inspite of the fact that it looks the same going in as it does coming out. I will always remember all the hangovers  you spared me from when I ate you at 3am because nothing absorbs liquor better than gravy drenched french fries and low grade cheese curds.  Merci beaucoup.

Arrivederci to those wonderful pizza pies that I’d always buy at the pizza place across the street. You spared me from having to slave over a hot stove and actually cook dinner for myself all those nights.  I love how you always left a tasty scent trail down the hallway of my apartment building.  But alas, it’s time for me to start cooking for myself because according to all those old hags I work with, if I learn how to cook than I might land myself a husband in the future…

I never knew how hard goodbyes could be until this moment as I say bye bye to BOOZE. Oh how I love to consume thee on hot summer day on a terrace downtown with the girls. Martinis, cocktails and spiked punches always made it a good time for all, even at the most dull and tedious of parties, wedding showers, work events and Christmas parties. As sad as I am to not be able to consume you for a while,  I will still enjoy watching the office idiot have one drink too many and make a dumb ass of himself. Most of all, thanks for making the college years- or what I can actually remember of them – one hell of a good time.

So that’s it folks. I will no longer be partaking in these fabulous treats for a while. I feel confident that I will indulge once again sometime in the future once I’m able to zip up last years summers dresses without having to hold my breath while jumping up and down. Once that day comes, maybe we can be friends again, but not besties like before…More like acquaintances who see each other on special occasions or when shit hits the fan. Until then, may you be the joy and delight to others in need of such tasty pals like you.

The Assasin

I recently decided to try my luck and enter into a short story contest for a small Canadian magazine called Geist. What intregued me most about this specific contest was the fact that each submission had to be exactly 100 words. No more, no less. I thought this was such a unique and cool concept and had to give it a try. So here’s what I came up with in my first attempt with a suspense plot.

She had known since childhood she would be an assassin, tearing off the heads of Barbie dolls secretly at night. Inconspicuously, she stalked her target in the cafe, a dark haired man, awaiting her opportunity to strike. It came as he reached for some sugar. Apologetically, she bumped into him, dropping the sleeping pill into his cup. She smiled flirtatiously as he took a sip. Men were easily distracted. When his car left the parking lot she stared in distance until a plume of black smoke rose from below the winding mountain road. Satisfied, it was another job well done.

 

 

 

Magic Bus Mis-hap

I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving…

As most of you know, I’ve been known to pound down a few drinks at the odd social event once in a while and as a result may have had a few minor brushes with the law.

So a couple of nights ago after drinking way too many Appletinis with the girls, I knew I was way over the limit to drive, so  I decided to do something I’ve never done before- take the bus home.

I arrived back home safely without any incidents which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and I’m not sure where the hell I got this one!

 

Happy St Patty’s day Everyone!