Your kids are loud brats
They drive me fucking insane
Thank God for vodka
Pigeons are nasty
Always shitting on my car
Where’s my BB gun?
I really love booze
But beer goggles are a bitch
Who the hell is Frank?
Apple products suck
The updates screw up my phone
Fucking piece of crap
Zombies creep me out
Stinking flesh and googly eyes
Oops that’s my neighbor
Hipster men are freaks
Tight red pants and suspenders
You look like a girl
I recently decided to try my luck and enter into a short story contest for a small Canadian magazine called Geist. What intregued me most about this specific contest was the fact that each submission had to be exactly 100 words. No more, no less. I thought this was such a unique and cool concept and had to give it a try. So here’s what I came up with in my first attempt with a suspense plot.
She had known since childhood she would be an assassin, tearing off the heads of Barbie dolls secretly at night. Inconspicuously, she stalked her target in the cafe, a dark haired man, awaiting her opportunity to strike. It came as he reached for some sugar. Apologetically, she bumped into him, dropping the sleeping pill into his cup. She smiled flirtatiously as he took a sip.
Men were easily distracted. When his car left the parking lot she stared in distance until a plume of black smoke rose from below the winding mountain road. Satisfied, it was another job well done.
Every day on my way to work I stop in at the local 
Couche-Tard (a chain of Quebecois corner stores) for my daily caffeine fix. But lately it’s not just the bad coffee or the irresistible law student who works the register that keeps me coming back…It also happens to be the hub where all the local weirdos come in to buy their daily lotto tickets, beer, smokes, cheap wine & porn mags necessities.
You can say that walking into the Couche-Tard is like walking into a full on freak show, only instead of watching a fat bearded lady perform awful show tunes, I get to watch the mustache mutant A.K.A a drunken old lady (with thick mustache and smells like medicated arthritis cream) attempting to flirt with boys less than half her age while sorting through cheap scratch’n’wins. Continue reading
Happy belated New Year everyone!
I’m happy to say that I finally have my inspiration back after a long dry spell, thanks to the local artists of Montreal. Lately I’ve been taking some epic walks around the city looking for blog ideas and came across some amazing murals and sculptures. The talent of many local artists never ceases to amaze me and I was majorly impressed by what I saw. But I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the locations where I saw these works of art. Talk about IRONY! But one thing’s for sure; the art definitely adds a touch of class to their locations! Continue reading
Days like today seriously make me question why I’m still working with grumpy old people. It’s been six years since I accidentally stumbled across this job and even after all this time I STILL haven’t developed an anti-gag reflex at some of the absolutely disgusting things that I see as a result of one’s body slowly falling apart over time.
Other days, I find myself having to hold back from laughing so hard at their crazy behaviors and impulses. In a sense, this job has shown me the up side of becoming an old geezer. As much as it will eventually suck to be eating baby food and craping in adult diapers one day, you can pretty much let yourself go, say whatever the hell you want at any given time and even break a few minor laws for your amusement and no one will say a bloody thing about it. Here are a few of my professional observations… Continue reading
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