I May Not Have A Degree in Computer Science, But I Know how to Connect to the Internet.

Many of you know that I am “bad” when it comes to electronics, and I will admit that all the criticisms I get from friends are well deserved at times. But, a recent train ride to Toronto has proved that it doesn’t take a genius to connect to the internet. Right?

I boarded my train on a Thursday afternoon and wasn’t at all surprised to see a train full of students making their way home for the weekend. It’s always easy to tell the students apart from everyone else…They’re usually the ones who look tired (probably from the festivities from the night before) and of course they have the ability to make themselves right at home anywhere they go. Case in point I saw feet and legs sprawled out onto other seats and aisles, ipods and earphones all abuzz with loud music…Not to mention the lovely background noise of cell phone conversations that filled the air for all to enjoy! And who wouldn’t enjoy hearing about how drunk Michey was last night or how bad your grade was on that quiz! But it’s all in good fun because I remember having the same conversations back in the day. But that’s besides the point.

I was in the train all but three minutes and wasn’t at all surprised at the wide variety of laptops ( in all shapes and sizes) that  could be seen from the aisle where I was sitting. After all, Via Rail does offer free wi-fi service on most of it’s passenger trains…Why not take advantage of the five hour ride to get some work done.

I decided that I was going to do the same so I pulled out my laptop, much to the delight of the older woman sitting next to me. She was very pleasant and sweet and observed how all the “younger people loved their gadgets…”

As the train began to depart Central Station I turned on my computer. I felt inspired and really wanted to work on a blog! I I knew it wasn’t such a complicated task to connect to the train’s wi-fi, but it was important to take into account that the free service would probably be slow and a bit tempermental. Keeping this in mind, I clicked onto my wireless connections and managed to accept the “terms and conditions” for the internet use with relative ease, regardless of the fact that it was a painstakingly slow process. But I was however impressed with my patience and success none the less. You see, the old me would have gotten frustrated, began cursing and eventually would have made some sort of crazy declaration to myself to make me feel better about my failure. But not this day! I knew what I was doing.

However, the older gentleman sitting behind  to me with his Apple had taken over the rank of computer illiterate for the day. His frustration was quite obvious from the moment he turned on his computer. You see, students aren’t the only demographic that’s easy to identify. Computer illiterates can be spotted from a mile away if you know the signs. Sweaty clammy hands, subtle glares to those who were connected successfully to the internet and of course, the drawn out sighs and whispered curse words that will inevitably occur after several failed attempts. Clearly the man sitting behind me was exhibiting all those signs plus a few others I had never seen but were funny none the less. For instance, he would have these fits of what seemed to be an awkward nervous laughter with just a ting of desperation to it. He must have had an important deadline coming up. However, in the heat of his frustration he did something that actually surprised me. He stood up with his laptop and approached a group of young hipsters (all of whom had their laptops out and logged onto to Facebook) and asked them for a little guidance. Here’s the conversation that took place soon after:

Frustrated Apple Laptop Guy: Excuse me? Could one of you take a look at my laptop and see why it won’t connect to the internet? (with a touch of subtle desperation in his voice)

The desperate Apple laptop guy managed to acquire the sympathy of a young smug student with dreadlocks. I don’t know why I mention the dreadlocks.I have nothing against dreadlocks. But I thought they were big and fascinating to say the least.

Young Smug Student with Dreadlocks: Sure man. I’m a computer science student so I’ll take a look for you. Pass me your computer. (He’s all smiles now because he can show off to the girl sitting across from him.)

Frustrated Apple Guy: Oh thanks. I really appreciate it. I tried clicking on the icon and it says I’m connected but my browser won’t open…(He swears under his breath and scratches his head in confusion which I can understand as it has happened to me countless times)

Young Smug Student with Dreadlocks: Oh well it must be your your proxy server…Let me take a look. Give me a few minutes. (Frustrated Apple guy reluctantly hands over his computer)

Frustrated Apple Guy: Ok. Are you sure you know how to do this? I don’t want to complicate things…(He looks a little frazzled but optimistic that things will work out.)

Young Smug Student with Dreadlocks: he starts opening windows and clicking on things for a few minutes. At this point I think to myself it’s not such a complicated problem…If I can do it surely he can…

Young Smug Student with Dreadlocks: ( begins to get a little frazzled himself. ) I’m not sure what’s wrong with your computer, man. (He starts clicking a few things here and there.)

At this point I decide to interrupt the conversation because I know how to fix this problem. After all, I feel for the poor guy who probably just wants to check his emails!

Me: Hey guys. Sorry to interrupt but I would suggest you run the “Troubleshoot wizard” and click the “repair” icon to connect to the internet. It always works for me!

Smug Student with Dreadlocks: Oh well, I don’t think the problem is that simple actually. I think he needs to run a diagnostic and see if there’s a glitch in his computer. I am a computer science student you know. (He likes to remind me of this.)

Me: yes, I know you are. I heard you mention it before. But really the “troubleshoot wizard” usually works for me. (I’m trying to be sincere.)

Frustrated Apple Guy: I’m pretty sure I tried that wizard thing, dear. Lets just see what the computer whiz can do. (I am shocked that he actually refers to this young student as a “computer whiz.” He turns to me and gives me a condescending look. )

Me: ok, if you say so. (I look calm then turn to my internet page, and began frolicking on the internet like the superstar I know I am.)

At this point I hear the student with dreadlocks restarting the computer and trying to reconnect to the internet  several times with no success. I hear signs of  coming from both failed attempts coming from both of them.

Smug Student with Dreadlocks: Well sir, their is nothing more I can do. I tried everything and I think your computer is broken. (clearly the computer is not broken.)

Me: Sorry to interupt again but you didnt try to the “the connection troubleshoot wizard.” Seriously guys. It sounds silly but give it a go…It works for me usually.

Smug Student with Dreadlocks: I really don’t think that will work. (He’s getting annoyed with me.)

Frustrated Apple Guy sits back down, clearly disappointed that his “computer whiz” couldn’t cut it.  He makes several other attempts for the next forty five minutes. It’s quite obvious as his attempts are quite dramatic to say the least.

Elderly Lady Sitting Next to Me: Don’t worry dear, he will come back and ask for your help. (she whisper’s this in my ear) When he gets desperate enough he will swallow his pride and ask you. Trust me they always do, my dear.

At this point I could see the infinite wisdom that this sweet old lady possessed. And to my surprise she was absolutely right. We could hear his breathing get louder, the sweat on his brow accumulating and the air around him became thick with anger and loathing for the laptop that sat before him. Poor computer idiot…I know how it feels to bask in the shame of not knowing how to perform the simplest of tasks when it comes to computers.

Frustrated Apple Guy: He gets up from his seat and approaches me with a smile.  I gesture for him to hand me the laptop.) Ok, so what you want to do is click on the icon that shows your signal strength. ( I start clicking icons and a “troubleshoot wizard” pops up.)

Smug Student with Dreadlocks: (He decides to throw in his two cents) I tell you that’s not gonna work. It’s a complicated problem and the computer needs to be looked at by a pro.

Me: You mean looked at by someone like you? ( I don’t think I actually said this because I’m not that mean, but I was thin king it.) Well, that didn’t work so well, did it? It’s time to give the “wizard” a try.  (I say this jockingly but I know it’s going to work.) Then you click on the “repair connection” icon. (I clicked it and the computer began to repair the problem.)

Frustrated Apple Guy: Well, whatever works at this point will make me very happy. ( His optimism is slowly returning.)

The elderly lady sitting next to me is looking at the screen inquisitively. She’s hopeful for the poor computer idiot because he’s all nerves and sweating buckets. And I think he’s driving her crazy.

Then, all of a sudden, the page with the internet “terms of service” appears on the web browser that has just opened up. (I’m happy for him but happier that my little trick came through for me) The wizard always works even though Apple isn’t cool enough to have the actual little wizard that pops up on PC’S !

Me: Now all you have to do is click on the “agree” icon to accept the terms of service, then you’ll be surfing the net.

Frustrated Apple Guy: Oh wow thank you so much! I can’t believe it worked out! Thank you sooooo much, dear!

Me: No problem. (But really I’m thinking that I rock )

Elderly Lady Sitting Next to Me: Good for you! You sure showed that young “punk” didn’t you! Good for you.

Yes! Yes I did! I may not have a degree in computer science, but I certainly know how to connect to the internet. 😀